Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A well-meaning person will introduce you to a new Netflix series. The descending moon tells us that you have been already been watching this show for fifteen hours now and that you’re not expecting to stop anytime soon.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your parent of choice will bring you a care package later this month. As you value peace in the household, refrain from mentioning the fact that they forgot your favourite food.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
How are you already three weeks behind? We’ve only been in school for two days, Scorpio. Have you even thought about your post-graduation plans?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A milestone in your career will soon come. The rising Mars shows that you will find out someone your age has achieved something ten times greater.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You will be rewarded for the hard work you have done in the past weeks with a $100 gift card that has only $3 left.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This month, you are in control of all of your actions. The rising temperature tells us that no matter what you do though, it’s futile as climate change and requires more drastic actions.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Wow. This is bad. I don’t think you want to know what this month has in store. I’m really sorry. Good luck.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This will be a productive month if you are productive. If not, then it won’t be a productive month.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Watch out for loose combine harvesters as one will come crashing your way mid-month.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember that thing you’ve been ignoring? Good! The descending calendar shows that it is too late.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be successful in creating great connections as long as you don’t mention the last book you’ve read. No one cares about its impact on society and the hidden symbolism. No one.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The Pisces star sign told us that everyone is definitely doing the Area 51 raid, and you should go.