Jane Goodall, the famous British primatologist, has entered her second week observing the behaviour of first-year McGill students at the popular club SuWu. Although Goodall’s accredited work in primatology generally focused on chimpanzees, she figured she could learn a thing or two by examining the social learning patterns of humans, the closest relative of chimps.

Goodall, who famously assigned names, instead of numbers, to her wild chimpanzee subjects, apparently wasted no time in assigning the name JoJo to a U1 Political Science major whose self-described effort that night to “get with chicks” by “grinding on them” paralleled the mating patterns of adolescent chimpanzees she had seen in Tanzanian forests more than 50 years prior.

The student, whose human name is Michael, told our reporters that Jane stared at him “for an uncomfortably long time” through her binoculars, occasionally writing or sketching in her notebook whenever he attempted to inch closer to a more mature U3 female subject who was definitely, as Jane was overheard muttering to herself, “way out of his league.”

Never off the job, the 85-year-old anthropologist was even seen approaching an unsuspecting U0 Arts student, whom she dubbed Fiona, and offering her a banana in an outstretched hand in order to gesture that she needn’t be afraid of her. However, the student (whose human name is Natalie) was unresponsive to Goodall’s advances and reportedly told the world’s leading expert on chimpanzees to “stay the fuck away” before disappearing behind some vines.


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