Capricorn

If all the world’s a stage, then you desperately need rehearsal.

Aquarius

Someone admires you more than you think. (Hint: it’s not your father.)

Pisces

Sky’s the limit for you this week, which is great news unless you’re an astronaut.

Aries

Your dog will escape, setting off an epic adventure for all the family that’ll someday be adapted into a dull Hollywood cash-grab starring Donnie Wahlberg.

Taurus

You’ll prove the science world once more that it’s possible to survive on a strict Dr. Pepper diet.

Gemini

Your partner wouldn’t let you to talk to him like that, but that barista just might.

Cancer

Moving out is always stressful, especially when you must do it in the middle of the night to save your family from your demon-possessed wife.

Leo

90 per cent of your friends will become Re/Max real estate agents simultaneously.

Virgo

Your fear of getting pushed in front of the metro by a stranger will finally be proven justified.

Libra

You’ll go from vegan to vegetarian to pescatarian to “ah, fuck it” over the weekend’s course.

Scorpio

Your downstairs neighbours’ cockatiels shrieking through the night will awake your dormant pyromaniac tendencies.

Sagittarius

Unsolved crimes await your amateur eye. Drop everything and allow your true-crime obsession to get you found dead by a dumpster diver that may or may not be a cannibal.

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