This morning, Principal Suzie Fuzie announced that all campus libraries will undergo renovations to accommodate their new heating systems. Starting on November 1, the administration will heat the buildings by burning all students’ hopes and dreams.

Not only will this further the deterioration of students’ mental health; but it will also keep them extremely toasty while they have consecutive anxiety attacks in Schulich.

“This will be wonderful for the university,” a rep for Big Suz told The Why Intersection. “We will save so much money. And you know what we’re going to do with it? Probably drill the shit out of some concrete and do some more unnecessary construction. Yeah, we’re pretty unfamiliar with the concept of ‘giving back’ to the community. We tend to just take.”

Among the most valuable dreams, here are a few that the university is really hoping to just take and incinerate:  

“Change the world”

“Feel loved”

“Make my parents proud”

Stay warm, folks!


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