(Alamy)

There are many reasons one would want to slip an RVC omelette into their gooch. Whether for financial purposes, to showcase an impressive bulge, or to keep warm in the frigid Montreal winter, walking out with undies oozing with cafeteria food is never a bad move. Here are some foolproof tricks I came up with my first year that you should all use:

The Loose Sneaker

  1. Slyly undo all belts and other waist accessories
  2. Check for lurking cafeteria ladies
  3. Order a shawarma (Don’t forget to say please and thank you)
  4. Get down on one knee
  5. Re-adjust your velcro sneakers as you nestle a shawarma between your thighs

Note: Also works with Crocs and lace-up sneakers.

The Scratch n’ Sniff

  1. Grab any food item that can fit snugly in one hand
  2. Reach said hand down to your groin
  3. While pretending to violently itch yourself, release food item into pants
  4. Remove hand, and thoroughly smell fingertips while making eye contact with staff to avoid interrogation

Note: Works best without soup, in fact soup is not ideal for many of these

The Birdwatcher

What you’ll need: A black pair of 8x42mm binoculars, a red bird whistle, and sturdy boots for swampy conditions

  1. Focusing on diversion, point at the broad-billed sandpiper that has swooped into sight (Note: The sandpiper is not actually in sight. Once you grasp this concept, you will start to understand the diversion.)
  2. Once everyone around you’s heads are turned, stretch the elastic on your camouflage “Kirkland Outdoor-Multisport” pants
  3. Shovel all the curry and steamed veggies your water-resistant undergarments can hold
  4. Leave the building as quickly as possible
  5. If anyone asks about the bird, say “Wait, you’re actually serious? The broad-billed sandpiper spends its non-breeding season in easternmost Africa. I thought everybody knew that.”

The King Midas

  1. Walk through that turnstyle like you own the place
  2. Make strong eye contact with everyone you see, as if to ask “Why have you not bowed before me?”
  3. While condescendingly staring at the Quesada lady, reach your hand over and make yourself a Big Ass Burrito
  4. Shove the burrito down your pants, holding strong eye contact
  5. If the staff have not yet bowed out of respect, grab another handful
  6. Exit in swift, royal fashion

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