(Daniel Korsunsky)

MONTREAL, QC – World leaders announced last week that the next United Nations negotiations surrounding the Israel-Palestine conflict will be hosted this winter by the Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU).

A long-established student-run geopolitical think tank, SSMU’s track record of churning out policy in response to precarious international conflict got the attention of the global community after decades of failed negotiations by career diplomats and policy experts.

In preparation for hosting the summit, SSMU plans to hold an online vote for the introduction of a $5 non-opt-out-able student fee that will cover a week’s rent and Kraft Dinners for each of the visiting diplomats. These diplomats will also have the opportunity to shadow SSMU representatives at their U1 Poli Sci conferences, an exclusive sneak peek into the organization’s policy machine.

The United Nations, inspired by the efforts of SSMU’s young thinkers, is also rumored to be adopting some of its other groundbreaking stances to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, including the right to underage drinking.

In an unanticipated contradiction to SSMU, which it felt was “overstepping its bounds” as a peace-promoting student organization, the McGill administration announced in an email that it would be deploying its university research-funded WMDs to the Israeli-Palestinian borders.

Many students were outraged by the school’s move. “They are taking advantage of us and using our university fees to put innocent lives at risk,” one student said. “It’s high time that we get a body of elected student officials that represent our interests and protect our rights.”

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